Last month we were introduced to Ginny who came to coaching to explore her career and promotion options. In addition to her weekly coaching call Ginny keeps an e-mail journal. This month's coaching conversation is an extract from Ginny's fourth month of coaching, when a climate of trust between coach and client has been long established.

 

Coaching case study

Ginny has been a G grade midwifery sister for ten years and feels she has been 'in a rut'. She came to coaching to decide whether to 'get her act together' or leave midwifery. Last month we saw Ginny commit to listing 10 health-related goals. Ginny has moved on since we last looked in. She created her goals and the coach has since requested she commit to some of them. Ginny committed to healthier eating and swimming twice a week.

During this coaching session an important issue comes to light that Ginny has been avoiding facing up to. Today's coaching conversation is 'make or break' time for Gin...

The coaching conversation

Coach: How did you get on this week Gin?

Ginny: Well you know I meant to go swimming again twice a week...

Coach: Ah yes! How did you get on?

Ginny: Well I haven't been yet.

Coach: Okay. Do you want to look at what happened?

Ginny: I know we've been over this. I feel bad because I tell you I'm going to do it and then don't. I've let you down.

Coach: No, Ginny, you haven't let me down. It doesn't affect me whether you swim or not. How does it affect you?

Ginny: I feel bad.

Coach: You feel bad. What else?

Ginny: I hate being someone who says one thing and does another.

Coach: So you feel bad about yourself and you hate yourself. Ginny, you are letting yourself down by making promises to yourself then breaking them. Which reinforces your feeling bad.

Ginny: Yes, I know.

Coach: What do you get out of not swimming?

Ginny: Pardon?

Coach: What do you get out of not swimming?

Ginny: I don't get anything out of it.

Coach: You do. It must serve you in some way by not going swimming otherwise you'd be swimming by now. Are you sure that swimming is what you want?

[Coaching skills note: The coach is challenging Ginny. She doesn't accept Ginny's answers at face value and attempts to find the source of the issue]

Ginny: Yes! I want to feel fit again and enjoy the feeling of freedom I used to get from swimming!

 

'Ginny, you are letting yourself down by making promises to yourself then breaking them. That reinforces your feeling bad.'

 

Coach: Great! So how does it serve you to not do it?

Ginny: I don't think I know what you are driving at.

Coach: This is really important for you Ginny so listen to me carefully. I don't know what the answer is here… but you do. Let me put it another way. When you don't go, how do you benefit?

Ginny: Oh well I suppose I get to lie in… and I avoid having to suffer the changing rooms. I always feel so self-conscious - I hate getting changed in public…

Coach: Right! That's it. So when you don't go, you feel better in the short -term by avoiding the changing rooms and having an extra hour in bed?

Ginny: Yes… but I feel worse in the long run because I know I should be going…

Coach: So why do you think you stay in bed?

Ginny: Well this morning I was tired… we went out last night and it was unexpected, last minute kind of thing… and we had a few drinks and got to bed late and I thought this is not time to be starting a fitness regime! So I re-set my alarm for later and didn't go.

Coach: 'You re-set your alarm and didn't go'.

[Coaching skills note: see previous issues for notes on 'mirroring' technique]

Ginny: Yes.

Coach: Does that happen often Ginny?

Ginny: Well… quite often I suppose, yes.

Coach: Hmm… how much did you drink… exactly?

Ginny: (sigh) Well, I drank rather a lot. I didn't mean to… but we had a bottle of wine, then another, then a couple of drinks in the bar… I lost count really.

Coach: Hmm. You lost count.

Ginny: Yes. I'd been really good lately too… I've cut down on my drinking a lot during the past two years.

Coach: Why the past two years?

Ginny: Well I had therapy a couple of years ago. Back then I was off work for 6 months suffering from bad depression. While I was off, the drinking just crept up on me. It really scared me. I thought I was becoming an alcoholic so I cut it right down and started monitoring how much I drink.

Coach: Good for you.

Ginny: Yes, but it's been creeping up again lately.

Coach: Hmm… tell me more about that Ginny.

Ginny: Well... (sigh). It just creeps up. I thought I could just cut down, y'know? Keep track of what I'm drinking... but I find that after a couple I lose my will power and just say: 'what the hell' and stop counting. It's like the drink takes over and I'm not in control.

Coach: Hmm, yes.. you give up your power.

Ginny: I give up my power?

Coach: Yes. You give yourself permission to have two drinks yet you know that after two you will have both strengthened your desire for another drink and weakened your ability to refuse. You give up your power. If you intend to retain your power and control you could choose to not drink anything.

Ginny: Hmm.. I had thought of that… often. I just don't seem to be able to do it… I can drink nothing at all for weeks... then I go on a binge. When I'm not drinking I feel deprived…I think: 'why can't I have just one little drink?'

Coach: Ginny that is a very important question for you and I don't want you to answer it now. Can I make a request of you?

Ginny: Yes.

Coach: I request that you write down: 'why can't I have just one little drink?'

Ask yourself that question every day and write down your thoughts and answers in your journal. Will you do that Ginny?

Ginny: Yes.

Coach: I'm concerned that you have the right kind of help in this Ginny. Have you sought professional help?

Ginny: Well apart from therapy a couple of years ago, no - nothing since then. I'm reluctant because I don't want to be labelled as an alcoholic - I don't want that written in my medical records.

Coach: That's understandable, but you need support in this Ginny. Where else can you get support?

Ginny: Well I actually joined an e-group where doctors who are concerned about their drinking get together to support each other…

Coach: Good! Then I request that you keep in touch with them!

Ginny: Sure no problem.

Coach: Whether to drink or not to drink is a choice Ginny. At a very simple level it is just a choice. Every time you are in a situation where you might drink, you can choose to or not. You still have a choice Ginny; you do not have to give your power and control up.

Ginny: Phew… it's tough though… sometimes it's easier to go with the flow… it's easier to just have a drink than to have to explain to everyone why I'm not drinking.

 

 

Don't get into your blame cycle. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and say 'I won't give up giving up.'

 

Coach: No one said it is easy. But it IS possible. You CAN do it. You can choose. Not drinking might feel uncomfortable but could it kill you?

Ginny: (laughing) No!

Coach: Right. Could drinking kill you?

Ginny: Yes, certainly. …and I have been worried about that - I know I have really pushed my luck.

Coach: Right. So now it's up to you.

Ginny: I know. I don't want to drink. I hate myself when I'm drunk… I hate thinking of myself as 'a drunk'…

Coach: You're judging. Don't judge yourself at this point Ginny. It is not helpful. It reinforces your feelings of self-hatred, blame and guilt… and keeps you in a cycle of 'feeling bad' that makes you want to drink to numb the feeling…don't judge. Just choose.

Ginny: Well I haven't had a drink for 3 days…

Coach: Great! Well done.

Ginny: I'd like to say 'I'll never have another drink' but I can't promise… I don't want to set myself up to fail and break another promise to myself.

Coach: Just take it one step at a time Ginny. One moment at a time. In the moment… when you are faced with the decision… make the choice. Right there at that point. One choice. Then acknowledge it and move on. If you 'slip' at this stage don't get into your blame cycle. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and say 'I won't give up giving up.'

Ginny: 'I won't give up giving up' I like that.

Coach: Good. Don't get into judgement, blame and guilt. Stay in touch with your support group and let me know how you get on.. Stay in touch Ginny, keep 'journalling' and I'll speak with you next week.

 

Review points

Let's look at what happened. During this coaching call:

       

The philosophy of the co-active coaching model is that clients are creative, resourceful and whole. They are not deficient in any way and are able to find the answers for themselves. The coach had a responsibility to point out to Ginny that therapy may be an option but the decision is ultimately Ginny's.

"In some cases people have a powerful sabotaging voice that tells them they don't have the answers. But co-active coaching stands on the certainty that clients really do know. When they look inside, with the help of a coach, they'll find they know themselves, their strengths and their limitations. They'll also discover what they want, what they fear, what motivates them and what holds them back, their purpose and their vision, and where they sell out." (Whitworth, Kimsey-House & Sandahl, 1998)

Next month we will continue to follow Ginny's progress.