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A FREE online feature to print off and read. Written by Kathleenruth
 
   
   

The Coaching Corner series: Personal Boundaries- part 1

©The Practising Midwife.Reproduced with permission. An original article written by Ruth for The Practising Midwife Journal. This article appeared in the September 2001 issue (Volume 4 Number 8)

 

Our first lesson from coach Ruth Hadikin is learning to say 'no'

 

 

This month we will begin to use real-life coaching case studies to look at how the coaching process accelerates personal and professional development. The co-active coach asks questions that encourage the coachee to reflect about the situation and then requests a commitment to action.

The request for action is important in the coaching process because the coachee learns and develops through a combination of reflection and action learning.

The coachee always has the choice to either decline the coach's request, modify it, or suggest an alternative, but is encouraged to commit to some action no matter how small.

This week we will look at a coaching call from a midwife who, for the sake of confidentiality, we will call Katrina.

 

Coaching case study

Katrina, a qualified midwife, and her husband have recently moved to a different part of the country where they plan to stay until retirement. This involved Katrina taking up a post in a midwifery unit where she had never worked before.

Previously she had lived and worked in the same village. Her friends are still the same friends she has had since leaving school. She has no previous experience of moving into new communities or having to develop new support networks.

In addition to this, she is studying in her own time for a degree in midwifery, and is finding it difficult to balance full-time work commitments and her degree studies.

 

 

The coaching conversation

This is an extract from a real conversation. Assume you already know the background, as outlined above, and read on.

Katrina: I'm having problems at work and I'm not sure what to do.

Coach: Would you like to tell me about it?

Katrina: OK well… I've moved to a new job… I've been here 9 months and.. well, just let's say there are one or two stong characters who are difficult to work with… but they do things differently here and I'm not used to it!

Coach: What kind of things?

Katrina: Well for a start they work late. We don't get off on time and we never get our meal breaks. I'm not used to working this way.

Coach: Is this usual or are you just going through a busy phase?

Katrina: No, it's the way they work here - it's not that busy, it's just the way they all are. As if they want to appear dedicated.

Coach: So everyone does the same?

Katrina: Well there are one or two who always make sure they get their breaks…

Coach: How do they do that?

Katrina: I don't know - they just say 'look after Mrs. Smith for me - I'm going for my break' but they never say 'OK Katrina you can go for your break now'.

Coach: Hmm… you seem to be waiting for their invitation to leave... do you think maybe they don't work like that and you are just expected to go when you have the time?

Katrina: Well whenever I try something always crops up…

Coach: What would happen if you said 'take care of this for me I'm going for my break'?

Katrina: (laughing) ...they would think you were difficult!

Coach: 'they would think you were difficult'.. I see. What else?

Katrina: Well, it's hard enough to fit in when you're new without them thinking you're being awkward.

Coach: OK… so you've mentioned they might see you as awkward or difficult. Let's try another perspective. How else might they see you?

Katrina: I don't know… I suppose they might think I'm strong willed…

Coach: 'strong-willed' - great! What else?

Katrina: … and that I stick up for myself. You know?…and that I won't be walked over … I'm not a pushover.

Coach: Hang on - let me see if I've got this right. You seem to be saying that they could have more respect for you, am I right?

Katrina: I suppose so… Yes!

Coach: OK ,so let me make a request of you Katrina.

Katrina: OK…

Coach: I request that when you are ready to go for your lunch break you approach the person in charge and tell them. Will you do that, Katrina?

(Coaching skills note: here the coach is asking for a commitment to action)

Katrina: (hesitantly) I'm not sure…

Coach: I know it feels scary.

(Coaching skills note: the coach is acknowledging Katrinas fear)

Katrina: Yes - it does …but I'm willing to give it a go. I'll do it!

Coach: Great stuff! When will you do it?

(Coaching skills note: the coach is placing the commitment within a timescale)

Katrina: I'm back on duty in the morning. I'll do it then.

Coach: Brilliant! Will you come back next week and let me know how you got on?

(Coaching skills note: the commitment to return, to debrief and feedback, reinforces the commitment to evaluate and learn from the action)

Katrina: Of course.

Coach: Great. I'll see you then.

 

Review points

Let's look at what just happened. During the coaching call:

  • Katrina reflected on the situation.
  • She realised that there were different perspectives that she hadn't seen.
  • She realised that there was something she could do.
  • The coach requested a commitment from her.
  • She committed herself to taking action towards resolving the situation.

Taking time out to talk with the coach provided Katrina with the opportunity to reflect. The request to action is what will help her to learn and move forward in this situation.

 

Personal Boundaries

In a profession such as midwifery, where enormous demands are made on our emotions, time and energy, strong personal boundaries are essential for our health and well being. Personal boundaries are invisible lines we draw around ourselves to protect us from the ill effects of others. In our example above, Katrina could establish a strong personal boundary around taking time for her meal breaks. She would acknowledge this with a boundary statement, like: 'I will always take my meal breaks.' She would put this into practice by asserting her boundary, and using assertiveness skills to ensure she gets the time out to which she is entitled.

Developing awareness of the areas in which you would like to have stronger boundaries is only the beginning. Asserting your boundaries is a skill, which can only be developed with practice. It is often a person's skill at asserting their personal boundaries which leads us to assume inherent character traits such as 'she's a strong character' or a 'weak character'. Yet this is a skill which anyone can learn. Of course it takes courage at first. If this is a new skill to you, you will not be a master overnight.

I often use the analogy with driving. You wouldn't say you were a bad driver if you had never tried. Neither would you simply read a driving manual then presume you could drive. Acquiring a skill needs awareness, knowledge, practice then eventual mastery.

The drivers among you will hop into your cars and pull off without giving it a second thought, yet do you remember back when you were learning, when you thought you would never do it? Interpersonal skills are no different. Those of you who have had the opportunity, or the necessity, to develop strong personal boundaries will be 'masters' at asserting them, whilst others among you may well be complete novices. Having weak boundaries does not make you a 'weak' person. It simply means you need to develop the skills involved in asserting boundaries.

Next month we will return to see how well Katrina did, and we will discuss how important saying 'no' can be in the development of your personal boundaries

 

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