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A FREE online feature to print off and read. Written by Kathleenruth
 
   
   

The Coaching Corner series: Expand your circle of influence. (Part 2)

©The Practising Midwife.Reproduced with permission. An original article written by Ruth for The Practising Midwife Journal. This article appeared in the May l 2002 issue (Volume 5 Number 5)

 

June is becoming more confident about facing her intimidating colleague

 

 

Expanding our circle of influence means we focus our attention on the things we have control over in order to become effective. Most of us worry what others will think or do, without looking at our own behaviour. In an interpersonal interaction our own behaviour is the only variable we can control with certainty. We cannot hope to change others, yet by focusing on how we are behaving around them we may influence their behaviour.

 

Coaching case study

June is in her first post employed in a University as a midwifery lecturer. She is dreading her colleague Trish returning from maternity leave. June describes Trish as a bullying manager. Trish is Head of Department. Junes biggest fear is that she will be 'labelled a failure' and given a poor reference, which would jeopardise her chances of getting another teaching job.

The coaching conversation

Coach: Hi June how are you this week?

June: Oh I feel wonderful! Jo (Acting Head of Department) has been much kinder and co-operative. The atmosphere is much better. The techniques you suggested have made a big difference.[see previous issue] I'm still worried sick about Trish returning this week though.

Coach: Would you like coaching around that?

June: Yes!

Coach: What is your greatest fear around Trish returning?

June: Well, that she thinks I'm incompetent and would give me a bad reference.

Coach: You understand that what she thinks is beyond your control, right?

June: (laughing) Yes, I know.

Coach: Right. So all you can really work on is how you act and behave. You say you've made some progress with Jo?

June: Some... she still doesn't seem to make conversation though - and I try really hard.

Coach: I hear that you try hard June. I wonder if you try too hard. Maybe you expect too much of her.

June: In what way?

Coach: Every way. It might be better if you expected nothing of her. Do only what YOU want to do. Don't try to make conversation because you expect that she will talk to you. Try 'conversation openers' if you want to, provided YOU want to, and expect nothing from her. If you get a conversation it will be a bonus - but don't expect it.

 

 

When she loses her temper and shouts, I go to pieces!

 

 

June: Hmm… so allow her time to 'come round' you mean?

Coach: Allow her her space. Don't expect that she will 'come round'. Just allow her to be who she is. Keep acting 'as if', because that makes sure you aren't changing the way YOU behave around her. Focus on being authentic - who you really are. Don't change YOUR behaviour to impress her… and just give her space. That way she can see the 'real' you and make up her own mind.

[coaching skills note: see last issue for description of acting 'as if']

June: I think I understand. By focusing on just being myself, I am less likely to make mistakes?

Coach: Yes. You are also being authentic - not putting on an 'act' in order to impress. You will come across as sincere. It is actually much easier to simply be yourself. It will save you a lot of energy! Think about how much energy you use up trying to calculate what someone else wants you to be and trying to change yourself to fit. Just be who you really are and let her make up her mind.

June: But when Trish returns I can't be who I really am… I behave differently because I'm so petrified. When she loses her temper and shouts I go to pieces!

Coach: Ah! When Trish returns try this: keep 'acting as if' and doing your visualisation. Also, I request that when you are in the same room as Trish, you visualise a huge 'force field' around you, protecting you, even if she gets angry and shouts. Remember last week I said her anger is always about her?

June: Yes

Coach: You cannot 'make' her angry - she is angry because that is how SHE reacts to certain situations. So no matter what happens it is not your fault. Keep your force field in place and know that her anger is not about you, and cannot harm you. Are you willing to try that June?

June: Yes I am - it sounds great!

Coach: OK will you come back next week and let me know how you get on?

June: Sure!

 

 

Review points

Let's look at what happened:

  • June carried out the coach's request
  • What she learned from the exercise improved her situation and increased her confidence.
  • The coach requested more action.
  • June committed to trying the new action in addition to last week's request.

Already in Junes situation she has behaved differently towards her acting manager, Jo, and has noticed Jo's behaviour has changed towards her as a result. Her next step is to apply what she has learned with the Head of Department whom she fears. The exercises suggested by the coach are designed to overcome fear so that she can perform to the best of her ability despite being afraid of her manager.

In focusing on her own behaviour, rather than her fear, June comes across as more competent and confident. This has already influenced her acting Head of Department. It remains to be seen whether the Head of Department will change towards her, but by being pro-active and expanding her circle of influence, rather than succumbing to fear, June has given herself a greater chance of being valued and respected by her manager.

 

Feedback:

"I've meant for ages to get back to you to say whatever it was... it worked/works like magic! I got through the last 2 weeks placement with a much better spirit - using visualisation and affirmation. Now I am in college for 12 weeks and have already given a seminar to the class with the help of

1) noticing the first signs of tension/panic,

2)breathing and

3) affirmations,

and it was good. Thank you"

                

"I take the above publication although I am not a midwife but teach antenatal classes for the NCT. [National Childbirth Trust] Since Coaching Corner became a regular feature I have been riveted to it. Each month it is the first article that I turn to and am always hoping for more when I reach the end. It is so encouraging to see what other people can do to transform their lives and gives great hope to those of us who would dearly love to but are still summoning up the courage. From the very first article I thought that maybe this was what I needed but it took a few months to reach for the phone and call Ruth for a coaching session. We really are our own worst enemies and I need not have been worried. 

My session lasted about an hour and even in that short time learnt several things about myself that I was either unaware of or was unable to admit to myself. Ruth simply encourages you to work things out for yourself, with a few gentle prods to set you off in the right direction. She was most encouraging and has given me several things to think about and things to do. When I have finished those I may well be back for another session.

I feel both the articles and the coaching itself are extremely helpful, being removed from one's normal environment makes it feel somewhat safer to admit that things could be better, if only we knew how to change - well now we can find out."

     

"thank you so much for your assistance during our call, it highlighted so many areas of personal development, your a star!

From the session, I gained so many developmental points. Things such as:

1. how to manage a situation where you feel you need to discuss how it made you feel. Empowering yourself to be assertive but not rude or threatening to the other person, so achieving your aim. 

2.coping strategies for interpersonal relationships and how to protect and manage yourself to be constructive, but self developing. 

3.self value and worth to be right, and wrong     

4.that empowerment does not have to be critical of yourself and judgmental of yourself and others.   

5. what everyone else thinks is truely non of my business so why try to change and suit people, just be me.      

I cant tell you how much you helped me Ruth, thank you."

 

 

   
   
   

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