Expand your circle of influence. (Part 1)

Testimonials:

Why people love coaching...

"Coaching for me has been a wonderful experience. It has made me see ME in a different light, a much brighter one"

"[coaching] works like magic!"

"You've been very supportive, intuitive, efficient and fun as a coach, and above all non-judgemental"

"I cannot speak too highly of Ruth’s continual support, empathic manner and superb coaching abilities."

"I have never felt better. Deciding to work with Ruth is one of the most wonderful and life-enhancing decisions I have ever made; I only wish I’d done this earlier."

"Ruth is a practical, warm, intuitive, knowledgeable coach... Through being coached by Ruth, I discovered validation of myself and acknowledged that whatever stage I'm at, it's okay. It's not enough to say that Ruth Hadikin is a brilliant coach. It is true, but that doesn't begin to express her deep and thorough understanding of what motivates people and her instinctive knowing of what stage they're at and where they need to go next. Such a skill is not merely valuable, but priceless."

Julie Plenty, Personal and Business Coach, (UK)

"I was not happy at work and this had been a thorn in my side for several years. The exercises we worked through together, particularly the one about personal boundaries have helped enormously. I feel a lot more self-assured and happier within myself. I've learned to trust my feelings and they have served me well. I have decided to work for myself. There is so much to do and a lot of uncertainty but I know that I can make it work. That kind of feeling and inner strength is something I did not have before I started a coaching programme with you. Thanks for your help and support"

Theresa Mc Gouran, Founder and Director, TM Investigations.(UK)

"Working with Ruth as my Life Coach has helped me clarify what's important in my life and as a result I can now see clearly where I want my business to go and what steps I need to get there."

Nicola Hall, Company Director, NbLife Ltd(UK)

It was not just luck that I came across Ruth as my life coach. As an experienced midwife, I found that I was unable to control the stress that was building up in my life. Working with Ruth as coach, my stress level was down by 80% in just over two months! Everything is back in perspective, and I am beginning to enjoy my life again. I consider myself fortunate to have Ruth as my life coach partner, as I progress through this journey of finding the real me."

Jacqui, Midwife, Merseyside (UK).

"There I was a middle-aged woman who had been in the same dull job for years, deciding at the ripe old age of fifty to go back to college and study something completely different. Eighteen months into my three-year diploma course I was teetering on the edge of :'I can't do this, I'm not clever enough'. At that point Ruth became my coach, and changed my attitude towards myself. YES! I am clever enough - I will get through this. Ruth is the best thing. How lovely it felt, just having someone who is completely there for you, week after week for that lovely chat. Plus the beautiful poems and E-mails sent between calls to keep you going. Coaching for me has been a wonderful experience. It has made me see ME in a different light, a much brighter one."

Y.C. Mature Student, Liverpool (UK)

Choosing Ruth as my coach has been the best decision I could have ever made. I have experienced a tremendous amount of growth in the last 6 months under her wisdom, patience, support, understanding, guidance, love and encouragement. Thru our work together I have a deeper understanding and love for myself. I am now able to take my own coaching clients further in their personal journey. When one so precious gives of their wisdom and love it cannot help but spread, lives touching lives, through out all the world. Thank You Ruth, you are truly amazing."

Sandy Tremp, Life Coach, Phoenix, AZ (USA)

"I am very happy I picked you to be my coach. I am particularly pleased because you use your intuition in the coaching process which makes it much 'smoother', and it helps me feel like we are on the same wavelength. It also helps us get to the important issues that much quicker! When we spoke over the phone the first time, I felt that you use your intuition more than any other coach I had spoken with. You've also helped me look at my life with someone else's eyes - now I ask myself questions that you might ask during the call. It is more fun doing it together though! You've been very supportive, intuitive, efficient and fun as a coach, and above all non-judgemental."

M.S. Engineer and Teacher. (UK & Europe).

Many thanks for your invaluable support. I wouldn't have got this far without you"

C.L. Journalist, Lancashire (UK)

"I feel both the articles and the coaching itself are extremely helpful, being removed from one's normal environment makes it feel somewhat safer to admit that things could be better, if only we knew how to change - well now we can find out."

S.W.Anaesthetist.(UK)

"[coaching] worked/works like magic! I got through the last 2 weeks... with a much better spirit - using visualisation and affirmation. ..have already presented a seminar.. with help of noticing first signs of tension/panic, breathing and affirmations and it was good. Thank You!!"

M.S. Student Midwife, Scotland(UK)

"During the past six months, I have been fortunate enough to benefit from the services which Ruth provides to assist me through a period of personal and professional crisis. I initially used Ruth's telephone coaching service and more recently the e-coaching service. Without the foundation of professional integrity, warmth and mutual respect which Ruth quickly established, it would not be possible to feel in a "safe enough environment" in which to endeavour to further my personal and professional development. I have often found the advice or suggestions which Ruth offers to be hard to fully grasp or even believe on first hearing. However, so far I have invariably found her ideas to be worth either persevering with or revisiting at a later date. Moreover I have found my confidence in Ruth's coaching (and my subsequent courage to face current and future challenges) further strengthened by reference to other resources such as books and professionals from other disciplines. Using a personal coach is a good example in itself of trying something new which originally felt like moving into uncertain (and frightening) territory. My personal views have changed significantly concerning working with Ruth to such an extent that I would now unreservedly recommend Ruth's services to people from all age groups and walks of life. I have found regular reviews of my progress with Ruth to be invaluable measures and reminders of how much I have achieved and progressed during the past few months. This also serves as inspiration for continuing to work hard with, and get the best from Ruth and her diverse talents and experience. Ruth has made a significant contribution on my journey towards self-discovery and self-worth. I realise that regardless of how long I work with Ruth, there will be many of the changes I am in the process of incorporating into my life including key phrases, topics and advice which will be useful in the future. In particular this would relate to the degree to which one should value and care for oneself."

Clare Robson, IT consultant, North Wales.(UK)

"When I first contacted Ruth I didn't know which direction to take in my life. I had lost my job through chronic fatigue and felt bewildered and unsure about the future. Assisted by Ruth's amazing gift of directing me to look inside myself for answers and not externally. I am now on a wonderful journey of self discovery and growth. Ruth has a unique ability to assist you in the realisation that everyday experiences and feelings, no matter how painful, are opportunities for spiritual growth, and should be honoured. I am no longer worrying about my future, as I know that through the wonderful work I am doing with Ruth, it will become clear, when I am ready."

Myra Wylupek, Edinburgh, Scotland.(UK)

"When I asked Ruth to be my coach, I was facing a huge crisis at work and was on the verge of handing in my notice as a teacher. My self-confidence was very low and I hardly dared believe that I could take control of my life and start to enjoy life again. After speaking to Ruth for an initial chat, I felt exhilarated and confident that I had found a great genuine coach who would help me to become the best I could be. I have had Ruth as a coach for four months and I can only marvel at the changes in my life. I have been able to turn the situation around at work and am now looking forward to moving on in my career. Ruth's coaching sessions have afforded me the chance to regain my self esteem and sense of purpose; her intuition and insights are so helpful and relevant - everything begins to fall into place after a few sessions; I have never felt better. Deciding to work with Ruth is one of the most wonderful and life-enhancing decisions I have ever made; I only wish I'd done this earlier. I cannot speak too highly of Ruth's continual support, empathic manner and superb coaching abilities. Ruth is the dream coach who has given me the confidence to stop worrying and start living again. My quality of life has improved immeasurably in all areas from my career to my social life. I cannot praise Ruth's services enough - I would heartily recommend Ruth's coaching to anyone. Being coached by Ruth is one of the most rewarding relationships I have ever had."

Sue Jamieson, Liverpool, England.(UK)

"Ruth's coaching has helped me to gain the confidence to admit to myself and others that I had chosen the wrong career for me and has given me valuable tools to help me find my true vocation and get from an unrewarding life on to the path to an exciting future doing things that I love"

FLW, UK

"If you do not change direction, you'll end up where you are heading" - Lao Tzu."I feel this quote best sums up the position I was in before coaching. Together we prioritised career options, gave me courage to change negative situations into ones I can take control of and be in a positive position. I have gained a new purpose through my course and the hope of a career in this area. You helped me start this journey."

KP, Lancashire, UK.

A FREE online feature to print off and read. Written by Kathleenruth



The Coaching Corner series: Expand your circle of influence. (Part 1) ©The Practising Midwife.Reproduced with permission. An original article written by Ruth for The Practising Midwife Journal. This article appeared in the April 2002 issue (Volume 5 Number 4)

WE OFTEN WASTE much of our precious time and energy on things we cannot change and we fail to address those areas we can. Covey (1999) describes this as our Circle of Influence. When we focus our attention on those things that are outside our control, worrying about things we have no control over for example, we become drained and disempowered. When we focus our attention on the things we do have control over (our Circle of Influence) we become effective. Coaching case study June gained her Post-Graduate Certificate in Education last year and is in her first post employed in a University as a midwifery lecturer. She was initially employed to cover for maternity leave and now she has been informed that her post has been made permanent. She is overjoyed and would love to stay on but is dreading her colleague Trish returning from maternity leave. Before Trish left, June worked with her for a short period and there was friction between them. June describes Trish as a bullying manager. Trish is head of department. In her absence Trish's friend and colleague Jo has been acting head of department. June is determined to do her best but feels that Jo has been very 'cold' towards her and fears things will get worse when Trish returns. Her biggest fear is that she will be 'labelled a failure' and given a poor reference, which would jeopardise her chances of getting another teaching job. The coaching conversation Coach: Hi June how are you? June: I feel terrified Ruth. I'd really appreciate any tips you can give me on how I'm going to handle Trish when she gets back. Coach: What could we work together on that would make the biggest difference to you June? June: Oh my confidence. I allowed Trish's hurtful comments to get to me. It's made me so self-conscious that I'm doubting myself and my teaching ability. I've even investigated other job opportunities in case her return leaves me out on a limb. I have never felt so worried about working with someone before. Coach: How are things at work now? June: I'm working with Jo now, and she's Trish's best friend and I'm sure she tells her everything. It's awful. I feel like I'm in a catch 22 - these two could say and do anything to jeopardise my career and I would be left high and dry. Coach: Be more specific June. What kind of things? June: Well it's like they move the goal posts for example. I'll check and double check that I'm doing something right… I'll even ask them how I should do it and they look right through me like I'm an idiot. They're not at all helpful or communicative. I have to ask for everything I need and then they question my ability and ask why I need it. Then after I've done my best they criticise it and say it wasn't right. In changing just one part of the chemical formula you change the nature of the chemical reaction Coach: Hmm… OK June. The first thing that comes to me is that you can't change other people. You can only change you. But in changing just one part of the chemical formula you change the nature of the chemical reaction. So let's begin by looking at you. Focus on who you are being. How are you being when you are with Jo? June: Well I'm not myself, I know that. I go to pieces because I'm nervous. I'm worried that she and Trish talk about me behind my back. Coach: So when you are with Jo you've noticed that your behaviour is different. June: Yes. I try so hard to like her and to get on with her. I try to start a conversation but she just 'blanks' me. Coach: Hmm.. so Jo isn't seeing the real you? June: Well, no. She isn't I suppose. Coach: OK So how about starting there, with Jo. Notice who you are being when you are with her. Notice yourself June. May I make a request of you? June: Yes. Coach: I request that you take a piece of A4 paper and write a heading entitled React Vs Respond, then fill one side contrasting the differences between the two. Are you willing to do that June? June: Yes. Coach: Great! When will you do it? June: I can do it today when I get off the call. Coach: Wonderful. Will you e-mail your response to me? June: Sure! Coach: Good. Now, tell me how you feel when you work with Jo. June: I feel like she thinks I'm an idiot, like she doesn't respect me. Coach: Has she told you this? June: Not in so many words but you can tell by the way she acts… Coach: Ah… so you don't know for certain that's what she thinks? June: I suppose not. Coach: Let me explain. Quite often we observe behaviour in another, and assume we know the reason for that behaviour. Simply put: we think we know why they did it. We may be right, but quite often we may be wrong. The point is, you can never really know what another person thinks. June: (laughing) I suppose not! Coach: Are you willing to experiment with something here? June: Sure! Coach: OK I want you to combine two techniques: visualisation and acting 'as if'. I'll explain them to you. First, have you ever done any visualisation? June: Yes, a little bit. I used to meditate and use visualisation techniques to relax. Coach: That's great! So you've already had some experience. Now may I make another request of you? June: Yes! Coach: I request that for 10 minutes each day you visualise an interaction with Jo. Create a 'best case' scenario for yourself. Imagine you're both working together and she's the most helpful, supportive colleague you've ever worked with. Are you willing to do that June? June: Sure, it can't do any harm! Coach: Great! Now part two is acting 'as if'. What I mean by this is that when you are in the real situation, with Jo, you act as if she is the 'Jo' in your visualisation. You act as if she really IS the most helpful, supportive colleague you've ever worked with. Are you willing to do that June? June: Hmm.. Yes. I'll have a go. Coach: This way you will act differently towards her. You will actually show up as a 'different' June. And Jo will have the choice of how she reacts or responds to the 'new' you. June: I'm not as terrified of her as Trish, but I'm still nervous when I'm with her. Coach: That will get easier the more you practice your visualisation. June it takes great courage to face a fear. I acknowledge how anxious you are and I applaud your courage June: Thank you. She can still say really hurtful things though. Coach: Hmm… June, I want you to know that whatever she says or does, however she reacts or responds, that it is not about you. It is about her and whatever is going on with her. It is never about you. June: That's hard to believe. I know there's an element of truth in what you are saying, but when I'm there I feel like I just make her so mad. Coach: You can't 'make' her mad. Her anger is hers. It is not caused by you. Whatever you do, her anger is her reaction, another person may react totally differently to the same event. Can you see that? June: Hmm.. I think I'm beginning to. Coach: Great! June: (sigh) ...but how do I defend myself when she starts criticising me I go to pieces because I'm nervous. I'm worried that they talk about me behind my back. Coach: By having strong boundaries. Do you remember how to start setting boundaries? (Hadikin, 2001) June: Yes, the first step is to inform. Coach: Well done. So how would you begin to create a boundary around her criticising you? June: I could say: 'Jo, I really try my best and you don't help when you just criticise me all the time.' Coach: OK let me stop you there. It's too long and it's about her. Keep it about you. June: I don't understand. Coach: OK When you make it about the other person, for example 'You criticised me' it sounds like an accusation. You are saying the other person did something to you, and they will get defensive. If you really want to be heard, and remember when setting boundaries the objective is to pass on information, you need to keep it all about you so the other person will listen. Example: 'Jo, do you know that when you give me feedback I feel criticised?' June: Oh that sounded better. Coach: Also pay attention to your tone of voice. Have you heard of 'charge neutral'? June: No… Coach: Charge neutral means in a neutral tone of voice, without an emotional charge. Listen to the difference. [coach demonstrates with an exaggerated emotional charge] "You criticised me!" Notice anything? June: (laughing) Yes! I still felt like I wanted to argue back with you even though I knew it wasn't for real! Coach: Exactly, and that's how the other person might react. June: Wow! This is all good advice, you've given me a lot of food for thought. Coach: Thank you. Now sum up for me what you will be working on this week June. June: Phew! Well.. as soon as I get off the phone I'll do that exercise comparing reacting to responding. Coach: Good. What else? June: I'm going to start a daily visualisation… Coach: Great! What else? June: Um… I'm going to 'act as if' when I work with Jo and start setting boundaries. With a charge neutral tone! Coach: June, there is a lot here to begin with. Go easy on yourself and don't expect too much at first. Let me know how you get on and keep in touch by e-mail. June: I will. Coach: Great! See you next week. Review points Let's look at what happened: June was willing to have her beliefs challenged and courageous enough to confront her fear. The coach acknowledged her anxiety and applauded her courage. The coach made a number of strong requests. June demonstrated commitment and courage in agreeing to act on the coach's requests. This is a complex situation in which June not only feels powerless but threatened. She believes her colleagues have power over her. Next month we will look at how June handles Trish's return. References: Covey SR. 1999. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. London: Simon & Schuster Hadikin R. 2001. Personal Boundaries - Part 1. The Practising Midwife, 4(8), 26-7 Feedback: "I've meant for ages to get back to you to say whatever it was... it worked/works like magic! I got through the last 2 weeks placement with a much better spirit - using visualisation and affirmation. Now I am in college for 12 weeks and have already given a seminar to the class with the help of 1) noticing the first signs of tension/panic, 2)breathing and 3) affirmations, and it was good. Thank you" "I take the above publication although I am not a midwife but teach antenatal classes for the NCT. [National Childbirth Trust] Since Coaching Corner became a regular feature I have been riveted to it. Each month it is the first article that I turn to and am always hoping for more when I reach the end. It is so encouraging to see what other people can do to transform their lives and gives great hope to those of us who would dearly love to but are still summoning up the courage. From the very first article I thought that maybe this was what I needed but it took a few months to reach for the phone and call Ruth for a coaching session. We really are our own worst enemies and I need not have been worried. My session lasted about an hour and even in that short time learnt several things about myself that I was either unaware of or was unable to admit to myself. Ruth simply encourages you to work things out for yourself, with a few gentle prods to set you off in the right direction. She was most encouraging and has given me several things to think about and things to do. When I have finished those I may well be back for another session. I feel both the articles and the coaching itself are extremely helpful, being removed from one's normal environment makes it feel somewhat safer to admit that things could be better, if only we knew how to change - well now we can find out." "thank you so much for your assistance during our call, it highlighted so many areas of personal development, your a star! From the session, I gained so many developmental points. Things such as: 1. how to manage a situation where you feel you need to discuss how it made you feel. Empowering yourself to be assertive but not rude or threatening to the other person, so achieving your aim. 2.coping strategies for interpersonal relationships and how to protect and manage yourself to be constructive, but self developing. 3.self value and worth to be right, and wrong 4.that empowerment does not have to be critical of yourself and judgmental of yourself and others. 5. what everyone else thinks is truely non of my business so why try to change and suit people, just be me. I cant tell you how much you helped me Ruth, thank you.

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In changing just one part of the chemical formula you change the nature of the chemical reaction

I go to pieces because I'm nervous. I'm worried that they talk about me behind my back.

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