In The Bullying Culture (Hadikin and O'Driscoll 2000) we identified the psychotoxic working environment that currently dominates the working environment in the National Health Service. In Effective Coaching in Healthcare (Hadikin 2004) coaching is proposed as a tool for transforming this toxic enviroment into a positive and affirming culture, through advanced communication and emotional intelligence. This happens through perceptual shifts in individuals which subsequently effect cultural change.

In a victim-bully relationship both parties are engaged in a ‘dance’. They have become locked into entrenched roles, and victims often cannot see what they can do to break the patterns. (Hadikin and O'Driscoll 2000) Once they see that they have the freedom to change and begin taking practical steps in that direction, they can no longer be a victim of bullying, or any other external situation. They discover their power.

Emotional intelligence is nothing new, although there has been a surge of interest in it recently in the role of emotions at work. This is because of the rise in 'emotional labour'. This where emotions are actually used as part of our work, such as in midwifery, where midwives are required to often demonstrate or express emotional states that may differ from how they are actually feeling.

The term emotional intelligence is used to describe a combination of interpersonal qualities and skills and a range of emotional abilities such as our ability to monitor and manage our own emotions (self-awareness, self-management, self-care, self-respect, self-esteem) and our ability to be sensitive and respond to emotions in others (communication, listening, empathy, mood-contagion, intuition).(Hadikin 2004)

We can see that a degree of suppressing emotions is necessary in emotional labour. We cannot show anger in a work situation, for example, and if we do not know how to address it later it may build up and remain unacknowledged. Suppressed emotions can accumulate and ‘leak out’ inappropriately, in which case we may find ourselves losing our temper or becoming upset inappropriately with someone over something relatively trivial. Over time we may develop an entrenched ‘default’ habitual response pattern. Given a similar set of circumstances we might habitually become either angry, sad, fearful or happy, depending upon our prior conditioned responses.

Emotional 'buttons'

Most of us are walking land mines full of emotional ‘buttons’ waiting to be pushed. As long as we have suppressed emotions, any chance remark might ‘set us off’. As long as we have these buttons we become victims to whoever, or whatever, pushes them. True freedom lies in not having any buttons to push.

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Self-awareness is the foundation for developing a wider and deeper range of emotional intelligence skills. By deepening our self-awareness we can continously monitor our emotional responses to everyday situations. This is a skill which can be developed with practice. Once developed this skill enables us to become aware of our own conditioned responses to situations, to learn how to ‘inhibit’ our learnt responses and to choose new responses. It takes some time and effort to learn, but once acquired this can be done in a matter of seconds- even in busy working situations. This self-awareness and ability to choose new responses are key elements of emotional intelligence. With awareness we become aware of our conditioned habitual responses and can create a gap in which we choose to respond differently. We can set ourselves free.

A true liberation

Victor Frankl was a survivor of Auschwitz. While in the Nazi concentration camp he ironically had a liberating, enlightening experience.
He realised that despite torture, starvation and imprisonment, he had freedom. He discovered he had the freedom to choose his response to the situation and that this was something no-one could take from him. He realised he was the only one who had this power. Through this knowledge he became empowered. Through this same knowledge we can empower ourselves, our clients and our colleagues.

Self-awareness is the key to developing emotional intelligence. With an ability to observe ourselves on the emotional level, we can become aware of, and use, our emotions as an early warning system. This enables us to address emotions appropriately before things get out of hand. We become aware that we have been operating on ‘auto-pilot’, from conditioned emotional responses. With the skill of ‘reading’ our own emotions we are able to free ourselves from these habitual emotional patterns and take action to change.

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Although inborn nature does play a part, we know that some infants are naturally more outgoing and actively seek social interactions from birth, whilst others are more ‘introverted’, we can still learn from others how to develop and build upon our existing skills. The good news is that regardless of our baseline level of emotional intelligence we can develop it further.

Coaching helps to facilitate emotional intelligence through a process of affirmative self-inquiry and advanced communication. It offers us an environment which nurtures healthy emotional growth, assisting us in developing necessary skills for dealing with bullies and others whom we may find challenging. The coaching process invites us to challenge our assumptions and habitual behaviours, to do things differently, to learn to respond rather than react. This increases our self-awareness and creativity in dealing with challenging situations and people.

Reading emotions

Emotional intelligence skills enable us to read our emotions and make adjustments where appropriate. They enable us to 'detach' from our emotions when necessary, without suppressing them. As we become self-aware we develop the ability to observe our thoughts and emotions and dis-identify rather than be identified with them. We realise that we can change our habitual emotional responses, and choose a different response. For example, no one outside of us has the power to make us angry. If we find ourselves often becoming angry in response to similar situations, it is because anger may have become a conditioned response for us. With self-awareness and practice we can experience the freedom to choose a different emotion.

We can reach a stage where we are no longer swept away by emotions. We can empathise with others who are struggling with emotional-mental attachments. We no longer take others’ emotions personally, or feel a need to react to them.

True freedom and true autonomy comes when we are free of these habitual gut reactions and we have an awareness of what’s happening in our systems. We become free to feel differently. Our actions may or may not change but our sense of power and freedom comes from feeling differently about our action and choices. It stems from a growing awareness that we are acting from choice and freedom and not a place of powerlessness or an idea that somebody else has control over us or that somebody else has the power to make us feel a certain way. We might even realise that no one and nothing outside of us really has the power to ‘make us’ feel anything.

We become empowered and are no longer victims of external factors. We have the power to choose our own responses to whatever happens. We have the power of choosing where we place our attention in any moment, which gives us the power to choose a different response. Once we are clear of habitual reactions we have the freedom to evaluate and respond differently in each new moment. Our ability to respond differently to each fresh situation brings a deep knowing that we have this essential basic freedom.

This deeper understanding leads us to new ways of being, new ways of interacting with others and new levels of compassion. It deepens and enriches our communication and our relationships. This is emotional intelligence.

With a little training, coaching and practice, victims of bullying can learn which habitual patterns keep them ‘locked’ into bully-victim relationships, and they begin to see what they need to do to change. Once they realise they have the freedom to choose new responses, they need never allow themselves to become victims to any person or situation.

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Ruth Hadikin is a personal and professional development coach and trainer specialising in emotional intelligence through self-awareness. She spent 18 years in the NHS as a nurse, community midwife and midwife teacher. She is author of Effective Coaching in Healthcare and co-author with Muriel O'Driscoll of The Bullying Culture and Interpersonal Skills. She created Ruth Hadikin Associates in 1999 to provide interpersonal skills training. She works with individuals, groups and organisations, facilitating a deeper understanding of the role of emotional intelligence in our everyday working relationships.

References:

BBC Radio 4. “Emotional Rollercoaster” Series 1: programme 1. Online at:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/science/rollercoaster1.shtml

Hadikin, R. (2004) Effective Coaching in Healthcare. London: Books For Midwives.

Hadikin, R; O’Driscoll, M. (2000) The Bullying Culture. London: Books For Midwives.