There seems to be a myth in certain sections of society and in some workplace cultures that it would wreak havoc upon the face of the earth if we all went around feeling positive, uplifted, good about ourselves, recognised our strengths and felt proud of our achievements.

The defenders of this 'faith' believe it is their role to 'knock it out of us', 'take us down a peg or two', stop us getting 'too big for our boots', too 'cocky', too 'arrogant', 'above ourselves', 'peas above sticks' (that's a Lancashire one I believe! ) The sad thing is we have all heard these and similar phrases. Yet when did it become a crime to have faith in oneself and ones' abilities, to love oneself and to feel confident?

As a coach I work with my clients on recognising the things they enjoy most in life, finding out what activities they are naturally drawn to and discovering where their 'passion' lies. This is the key to finding where their talents lie - where you find passion you usually find that someone is not just good, but really great at something.

I believe every single one of us is born with the potential to shine: to be 'a star', in other words, to be really great at something. Provided, that is, we can avoid the influence of all those people along the way who are hell-bent on preventing you from becoming the great person you were meant to be. The good news is that there is a way to avoid the negative effects of people around you.

Strong boundaries

An important area to develop is strong boundaries. Boundaries are invisible lines we draw around ourselves to protect us from the ill effects of other people. Having strong boundaries doesn't mean you build a wall around yourself and become an island in which you are isolated from others. Strong boundaries do the opposite: they enable you to be with others without having to suffer them.

A strong personal foundation

Having strong boundaries brings you one step nearer to developing a strong personal foundation. I read a quote recently which said :

"When your haystacks are tied down you don't worry about the wind"

In other words a strong foundation enables you to weather the storms that life throws your way. This includes having plenty of reserves.

Reserves

Having a reserve means having more than you need of something. When you have more than you can possibly use of all the things you need, such as money, time, energy, space and love, imagine what your life will be like!

Did I hear you say it's not possible? This is exactly what my clients are working on right now. I spoke with a colleague yesterday who said his coach had advised him to just create a reserve in something. Just in one area - to get the ball rolling and so he would 'feel' what it would be like to have a reserve in something. So he went out and bought a year's supply of toilet paper! He said it worked though: he immediately felt better because he felt he was never going to run out of toilet paper again or worry about when and where he was next going to need to buy some.

On a more serious note I have created a reserve of time. I need time to have time to do all the things I want to do, yet still have time to myself and time to relax. So how did I do it? Well obviously I didn't go out and buy myself a years worth of time and put it in my cupboard. (I wish!) So what did I do? I made strong boundaries around all the issues which involve other people making demands on my time. I coach two days a week, I write two days a week, I am flexible with my writing days to allow me to book in speaking engagements. I tell family and friends not to call me unless it's after work or during lunch. And I enforce my boundaries strictly. Strong boundaries create and protect your reserves.

Self care

Another aspect of having a strong foundation is self care. Extreme self care: loving and protecting yourself first and foremost is essential for restoring and maintaining body and soul. When you have strong boundaries this becomes possible because others cannot convince you that their needs come first. This doesn't mean they won't try! When you have reserves of time and energy, and learn the skills which prevent you from being put upon and drained by other people, they just won't succeed.

Targets of bullying

When you have been a target (victim) of bullying you have been subjected to a total character assassination. You can lose your sense of self worth, feel a sense of powerlessness, lose faith in yourself and your own abilities and suffer lost confidence and low self esteem as a result. When you start to work with a personal coach you begin to get to know yourself again. The real you that has been there all along but who you may have lost touch with. It can be like finding an old friend who you thought you had lost forever. You rediscover your passion and talents and as a result begin to value yourself again.

Bullies

At work once I heard a manager say: 'management is getting things done through other people' Think about this. If you are under stress and you yell at a subordinate: 'don't ask why just b****y do it!' You are trying to get something done by bullying someone instead of coaching them. I have worked with people like this who are not 'bad' people, but they have been treated like that themselves and are modelling the only management style they know. They would never believe themselves to be bullies, but they probably are in some situations or when they are under stress. If you are in a position where you manage employees and you are under stress learn to coach. Don't be jealous and peevish - be glad for the gifts of others and don't assume you don't have any. Find out what your gifts are and begin to be great yourself. Be generous of spirit. Dare to be different and allow others to be the same. If you can bully you can coach. Begin to uplift and coach people and use your authority and power for positive ends instead of negative ones.

Bullying in children

Though I work with adults the principles of coaching and bullying affect all human beings - which is why children end up bullying (and coaching) each other at school. As a parent, learn to coach your child(ren). Hire yourself a coach to help you on this. Give children the gifts of confidence, self-love, self-belief and a strong personal foundation. They'll be glad you did!

Coaching works

Coaching supports victims of bullying by restoring their self-belief, esteem and confidence and giving them the tools to protect their hearts and souls in the future, ensuring it doesn't happen again. If you have been a victim of bullying contact Ruth@dreamcoach.co.uk to see how working with a coach could support you. 

©Ruth Hadikin 2001 This article may be reproduced in it's entirety and freely distributed with full credit given and absolutely no unauthorised alterations.