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Top 10 things to do when you're told: "you are the workplace bully!"

Nobody expects it.  We hear about bullying and we sympathise with the victim, but we never expect that someone will ever say to us: "You are the workplace bully!"

Unbelievable? but what will you do? Here are ten suggestions to help you.

1. Stay calm

Ranting at, or pursuing, others will only become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's like when someone asks 'why are you so mad?' Even if you weren't, the question makes you mad! So stay calm and listen carefully to the allegations made against you. You will have your opportunity to respond to them.

2. Have representation

Never meet with management or your employer alone. You will not remember what is being said when you are upset. Always take a representative with you even if it is a friend or colleague as a witnesss. If you are being disciplined seek advice from your trade union or professional association if you have one.

3. Record everything

Keep a record of everything that is said and done, sign and date it.

4. Cultivate a support network

Spend time with people who really love, support and appreciate you. Develop an inner circle. Pay attention to those people who you most love to be with. Identify those people who inspire and energise you and commit to spending more time with them. Ask for their support in this. It is very important that you have people around who can support you and are testimony to your character.

Often it is the bully who accuses the victim of being the bully. Life is complicated, you might not be the bully here!

5. Invest in some coaching around this

Sometimes when we first attempt to be assertive we come across as aggressive.  Maybe you are in a position of authority but you never felt comfortable giving orders? Perhaps you are stressed and/or overwhelmed with your responsibility so that you come across as serious and intense? Work with a coach to fine-tune your interpersonal skills so you become lighter, more confident , effective, and less aggressive. Become someone who people love to work with. Maybe you are the 'victim' here.

I invite everyone who reads this to REGISTER for a free introductory coaching call, and nobody has yet! Be the first. With conscious awareness you can help yourself to understand what is happening.

6. Stress reduction techniques

Even if it's just 15 minutes a day to relax or meditate. Pay attention to your stress levels and put a structure in place to manage your daily stress so that you don't explode at those around you.

7. Training in interpersonal skills and assertiveness

As mentioned above, make sure you know HOW to be assertive without being aggressive. Learn how to be an effective communicator. Listen at least as much as you talk, if not more.

8. Become self-aware

Who do you become under stress? We all have a 'stress personality' which is a limited, narrow, version of ourselves and may bear no resemblance to who we think we are. This is who our colleagues will be dealing with when we are stressed. Make sure you get to know yours.

Before you speak or act ask yourself:

  • What is my motivation?
  • Am I trying to get something done by controlling others?
  • Am I 'running off at the mouth'?
  • Have I lost my temper?

Pay attention to how you are showing up at work.

9. Seek professional therapy if necessary

You may, if you are self-aware, realise that you appear aggressive. You may know that you experience violent outbursts that scare you, but you feel out of control. You may not know where to get help. In the UK you can ask your GP or family doctor to refer you for psychotherapy, where you will be assessed by a qualified therapist who can recommend an appropriate course of therapy for you.

10. Be open and determined to change

You may think you are a bully and believe it is your basic character and that you cannot change. Untrue. You are not 'a bully' Bullying is a set of behaviours that we learn, in order to protect ourselves. We can simply let them go and learn new ones.

You can learn another way of being. You can be an effective, supportive and 'light' colleague, boss or manager who is fun to work with. Yes, you can! Go for it. Also, with conscious awareness you need never be a victim.

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