10 steps to Personal Power

Testimonials:

Why people love coaching...

"Coaching for me has been a wonderful experience. It has made me see ME in a different light, a much brighter one"

"[coaching] works like magic!"

"You've been very supportive, intuitive, efficient and fun as a coach, and above all non-judgemental"

"I cannot speak too highly of Ruth’s continual support, empathic manner and superb coaching abilities."

"I have never felt better. Deciding to work with Ruth is one of the most wonderful and life-enhancing decisions I have ever made; I only wish I’d done this earlier."

"Ruth is a practical, warm, intuitive, knowledgeable coach... Through being coached by Ruth, I discovered validation of myself and acknowledged that whatever stage I'm at, it's okay. It's not enough to say that Ruth Hadikin is a brilliant coach. It is true, but that doesn't begin to express her deep and thorough understanding of what motivates people and her instinctive knowing of what stage they're at and where they need to go next. Such a skill is not merely valuable, but priceless."

Julie Plenty, Personal and Business Coach, (UK)

"I was not happy at work and this had been a thorn in my side for several years. The exercises we worked through together, particularly the one about personal boundaries have helped enormously. I feel a lot more self-assured and happier within myself. I've learned to trust my feelings and they have served me well. I have decided to work for myself. There is so much to do and a lot of uncertainty but I know that I can make it work. That kind of feeling and inner strength is something I did not have before I started a coaching programme with you. Thanks for your help and support"

Theresa Mc Gouran, Founder and Director, TM Investigations.(UK)

"Working with Ruth as my Life Coach has helped me clarify what's important in my life and as a result I can now see clearly where I want my business to go and what steps I need to get there."

Nicola Hall, Company Director, NbLife Ltd(UK)

It was not just luck that I came across Ruth as my life coach. As an experienced midwife, I found that I was unable to control the stress that was building up in my life. Working with Ruth as coach, my stress level was down by 80% in just over two months! Everything is back in perspective, and I am beginning to enjoy my life again. I consider myself fortunate to have Ruth as my life coach partner, as I progress through this journey of finding the real me."

Jacqui, Midwife, Merseyside (UK).

"There I was a middle-aged woman who had been in the same dull job for years, deciding at the ripe old age of fifty to go back to college and study something completely different. Eighteen months into my three-year diploma course I was teetering on the edge of :'I can't do this, I'm not clever enough'. At that point Ruth became my coach, and changed my attitude towards myself. YES! I am clever enough - I will get through this. Ruth is the best thing. How lovely it felt, just having someone who is completely there for you, week after week for that lovely chat. Plus the beautiful poems and E-mails sent between calls to keep you going. Coaching for me has been a wonderful experience. It has made me see ME in a different light, a much brighter one."

Y.C. Mature Student, Liverpool (UK)

Choosing Ruth as my coach has been the best decision I could have ever made. I have experienced a tremendous amount of growth in the last 6 months under her wisdom, patience, support, understanding, guidance, love and encouragement. Thru our work together I have a deeper understanding and love for myself. I am now able to take my own coaching clients further in their personal journey. When one so precious gives of their wisdom and love it cannot help but spread, lives touching lives, through out all the world. Thank You Ruth, you are truly amazing."

Sandy Tremp, Life Coach, Phoenix, AZ (USA)

"I am very happy I picked you to be my coach. I am particularly pleased because you use your intuition in the coaching process which makes it much 'smoother', and it helps me feel like we are on the same wavelength. It also helps us get to the important issues that much quicker! When we spoke over the phone the first time, I felt that you use your intuition more than any other coach I had spoken with. You've also helped me look at my life with someone else's eyes - now I ask myself questions that you might ask during the call. It is more fun doing it together though! You've been very supportive, intuitive, efficient and fun as a coach, and above all non-judgemental."

M.S. Engineer and Teacher. (UK & Europe).

Many thanks for your invaluable support. I wouldn't have got this far without you"

C.L. Journalist, Lancashire (UK)

"I feel both the articles and the coaching itself are extremely helpful, being removed from one's normal environment makes it feel somewhat safer to admit that things could be better, if only we knew how to change - well now we can find out."

S.W.Anaesthetist.(UK)

"[coaching] worked/works like magic! I got through the last 2 weeks... with a much better spirit - using visualisation and affirmation. ..have already presented a seminar.. with help of noticing first signs of tension/panic, breathing and affirmations and it was good. Thank You!!"

M.S. Student Midwife, Scotland(UK)

"During the past six months, I have been fortunate enough to benefit from the services which Ruth provides to assist me through a period of personal and professional crisis. I initially used Ruth's telephone coaching service and more recently the e-coaching service. Without the foundation of professional integrity, warmth and mutual respect which Ruth quickly established, it would not be possible to feel in a "safe enough environment" in which to endeavour to further my personal and professional development. I have often found the advice or suggestions which Ruth offers to be hard to fully grasp or even believe on first hearing. However, so far I have invariably found her ideas to be worth either persevering with or revisiting at a later date. Moreover I have found my confidence in Ruth's coaching (and my subsequent courage to face current and future challenges) further strengthened by reference to other resources such as books and professionals from other disciplines. Using a personal coach is a good example in itself of trying something new which originally felt like moving into uncertain (and frightening) territory. My personal views have changed significantly concerning working with Ruth to such an extent that I would now unreservedly recommend Ruth's services to people from all age groups and walks of life. I have found regular reviews of my progress with Ruth to be invaluable measures and reminders of how much I have achieved and progressed during the past few months. This also serves as inspiration for continuing to work hard with, and get the best from Ruth and her diverse talents and experience. Ruth has made a significant contribution on my journey towards self-discovery and self-worth. I realise that regardless of how long I work with Ruth, there will be many of the changes I am in the process of incorporating into my life including key phrases, topics and advice which will be useful in the future. In particular this would relate to the degree to which one should value and care for oneself."

Clare Robson, IT consultant, North Wales.(UK)

"When I first contacted Ruth I didn't know which direction to take in my life. I had lost my job through chronic fatigue and felt bewildered and unsure about the future. Assisted by Ruth's amazing gift of directing me to look inside myself for answers and not externally. I am now on a wonderful journey of self discovery and growth. Ruth has a unique ability to assist you in the realisation that everyday experiences and feelings, no matter how painful, are opportunities for spiritual growth, and should be honoured. I am no longer worrying about my future, as I know that through the wonderful work I am doing with Ruth, it will become clear, when I am ready."

Myra Wylupek, Edinburgh, Scotland.(UK)

"When I asked Ruth to be my coach, I was facing a huge crisis at work and was on the verge of handing in my notice as a teacher. My self-confidence was very low and I hardly dared believe that I could take control of my life and start to enjoy life again. After speaking to Ruth for an initial chat, I felt exhilarated and confident that I had found a great genuine coach who would help me to become the best I could be. I have had Ruth as a coach for four months and I can only marvel at the changes in my life. I have been able to turn the situation around at work and am now looking forward to moving on in my career. Ruth's coaching sessions have afforded me the chance to regain my self esteem and sense of purpose; her intuition and insights are so helpful and relevant - everything begins to fall into place after a few sessions; I have never felt better. Deciding to work with Ruth is one of the most wonderful and life-enhancing decisions I have ever made; I only wish I'd done this earlier. I cannot speak too highly of Ruth's continual support, empathic manner and superb coaching abilities. Ruth is the dream coach who has given me the confidence to stop worrying and start living again. My quality of life has improved immeasurably in all areas from my career to my social life. I cannot praise Ruth's services enough - I would heartily recommend Ruth's coaching to anyone. Being coached by Ruth is one of the most rewarding relationships I have ever had."

Sue Jamieson, Liverpool, England.(UK)

"Ruth's coaching has helped me to gain the confidence to admit to myself and others that I had chosen the wrong career for me and has given me valuable tools to help me find my true vocation and get from an unrewarding life on to the path to an exciting future doing things that I love"

FLW, UK

"If you do not change direction, you'll end up where you are heading" - Lao Tzu."I feel this quote best sums up the position I was in before coaching. Together we prioritised career options, gave me courage to change negative situations into ones I can take control of and be in a positive position. I have gained a new purpose through my course and the hope of a career in this area. You helped me start this journey."

KP, Lancashire, UK.

A FREE online feature to print off and read. Written by Kathleenruth



10 steps to Personal Power
©Nursing Times 2002.Reproduced with permission. An original article written by KathleenRuth Hadikin for Nursing Times . This article appeared in the August 6, 2002 issue (Volume 98, Number 32)
Some of the myths that abound about bullying suggest that 'there is nothing anyone can do' about it and that it is 'up to management to deal with it. In my experience, however, there is much that we can all achieve as individuals, as colleagues and as an organisation. People who are bullied tend to be individuals who lack belief in themselves and are often overly self-effacing. They sometimes try too hard to please others in an effort to be liked. I always ask my clients to be selfish enough to put their own needs before those of others. If you are the target of bullying, being selfish could even save your life. The tragic case of Birmingham postal worker Jermaine Lee, who committed suicide three years ago as a result of workplace bullying, is a typical example. On one occasion he was trapped in an office as one senior manager threatened him while another stood guard. I am often asked what can be done in such circumstances. My response is always to advise: 'Don't get into them in the first place.' Recognising where you have a choice - and can therefore make a difference to the outcome - is essential to avoid finding yourself in physical or psychological danger. This involves a greater degree of self-awareness, courage, selfishness, and sense of self-preservation than perhaps many of us are accustomed to. I recommend the following 10 steps as the first on the road to reclaiming your personal power and living a bully-free life. 1. BECOME SELF-AWARE Start noticing your own feelings. Keep a journal. What are you comfortable with and what is not OK with you? Recognise where you might have a choice about avoiding situations in which you feel uncomfortable. 2. STOP TOLERATING Don't laugh it off if you are not comfortable with it. Begin by making a list of what you are currently tolerating. Once you are really sure about what you are not comfortable with, make a point of not tolerating it. 3. SET PERSONAL STANDARDS Once you have identified a behaviour that you are tolerating and are not comfortable with, you can raise your personal standards to the level of what you are willing to tolerate. Set your personal standard and express it in a statement. For example:'I am not comfortable with people smoking while I'm eating lunch' or 'I am not comfortable when sister Jones continually questions my practice.' Try to identify specifically what makes you uncomfortable. 4. ESTABLISH STRONG BOUNDARIES When we raise our standards we put a boundary in place to protect our new standards and to let others know what we will no longer tolerate. Boundaries enable us to be with others without suffering from the effects of their behaviour. Learning the language to use in setting boundaries is essential for our barriers to be effective. They should always be about us and not the other person, so we do not get into accusations or finger-pointing. After all, you want to negotiate a change in behaviour from the other person. Poor boundary-setting: 'Sister Jones, I am doing my best here. I don't know why you have to question me all the time in front of my clients and embarrass me. You deliberately humiliated me last week and I don't know what I've done to deserve it.' This may or may not be true. However, the intention at this stage is to have a clear and simple communication. The above example is too long and assumes that we know why the other person did what they did.'You deliberately humiliated me' is an accusation. The person this is aimed at puts up their defences and prepares to launch a counter-attack. They are not listening. You have not succeeded in setting your boundary, and you may have escalated the tension. Effective boundary-setting: 'Do you know I feel embarrassed when you question me in front of clients?' It is not about them. It is about informing them how you felt about what they did. Pay attention to your tone of voice and try to use a neutral tone without any emotional charge. Say your piece and then be quiet. Let them fill the silence. Once you have strong boundaries, it takes courage and practice to assert them. Practise with less intimidating colleagues. Having strong boundaries is not a genetic trait. It is simply a skill and we can all learn it. If you feel you are not making headway, do not get into a debate or an argument about how or why you feel like this. If you are not being heard, simply walk away. HOW BULLIES SELECT THEIR TARGETS More than anything else, the bully fears exposure of his or her inadequacies and incompetence. Your experience, popularity and competence unknowingly fuel that fear. So you may be a target for bullies if you: Are good at your job; Are popular with people; Are the expert and the person to whom people come for professional or personal advice; Have a strong sense of integrity; Refuse to join an established clique; Are older than most of your peers. Source: Bully OnLine EVENTS THAT MAY TRIGGER BULLYING Reorganisation; Appointment of a new manager; Your performance unwittingly invites unfavourable comparison with the bully's lack of performance; Refusing to obey an order that violates rules or is illegal; Standing up for·a colleague; Blowing the whistle on incompetence, malpractice, fraud or illegality; Challenging the status quo; Recognition for your achievements; Promotion. Source: Bully OnLine 5. VISUALISE In a bullying situation, the target often obsesses about the bully. Spending a lot of time worrying about what might happen only increases fear and the potential for stress-related illness to occur. Gaining control over our worrying thoughts is effective in reducing fear and stress. When we worry, our mind plays out a series of increasingly worst-case scenarios. As soon as you notice this happening, bring yourself right into the present moment. Remind yourself where you are. 'You deliberately humiliated me' is an accusation. The person this is aimed at puts up their defences and prepares to launch an attack. They are not listening. Look around the room. Check the time. Remind yourself what you are doing. Then imagine a best-case scenario. Imagine the bully and you in a situation in which he or she is the most helpful, pleasant, cooperative person you have ever met. Forget what your experience of them has been to date, and make your best-case scenario really positive and fun. Enjoy it. Pay attention to how you feel. Feel it. Once you have created your best-case scenario, play it over in your mind at least three times a day. Each time, notice how you feel. For example: Janet Henderson was a midwifery lecturer who was being bullied by her head of department. Experience told her that this woman would be sarcastic, unhelpful, ignore her, ridicule and rubbish her work and ideas. Each day, on seeing her boss, Janet would experience anxiety, sweating and palpitations. Her fear was unbearable and she was considering leaving her post. She began to create an imaginary scene in which her boss was sitting in her office smiling at her. In Janet's 'best-case scenario', each suggestion she put forward was welcomed and praised, and the session would end with her boss acknowledging her contribution and thanking her for her input. Janet visualised this scenario at least three times every day for weeks. When she started this exercise, she experienced anxiety at the thought of her boss. Gradually, she began to be able to imagine, think and speak about her boss without experiencing anxiety. Finally, she reached a point where she could deal with her in reality without feeling anxious. 6. RELAX AND BREATHE When you are in a real-life situation at work, pay attention to how you are breathing and stay relaxed. Notice that when you panic you hold your breath. Make a point of breathing deeply and regularly. Relax your shoulders and neck. Try this exercise: pull your shoulders backwards and downward, and straighten your neck as much as you can. Hold this position for five seconds, then stop. Allow your shoulders and neck to fall into their natural position. Feel the muscles in your neck and back relax. Feel the blood flow back into your neck. Practise this technique so that you can do it anywhere, at any time, particularly when you are busy. 7. CREATE A FORCE FIELD Using your imagination, create a protective field around you. Imagine that it is like a suit of armour and that nothing can harm you. Practise this visualisation until you can do it quickly and easily. When you are in the presence of the bully, visualise your shield being in place and that everything they say or do merely strengthens it. In addition to visualisation, for example, Janet also imagined that she had a glowing force field around her that nothing could penetrate. Knowing her boss' anger was all about her boss and not about Janet, she needed the field to enable her to deflect any anger that was thrown at her. In reality, it reminded her not to take on board any sarcasm, but rather to hear the message in what her boss was saying and respond only to her words. 8 ACT 'AS IF' When confronted by the bully, act as if they are their best version from the best-case scenario you envisaged. Act as if they are going to respond positively to everything you suggest. This helps you to be yourself and ensures that you are not behaving differently because of your fear. 9. BE YOURSELF Don't try to please or placate the bully. Changing your behaviour to please the bully only draws you more into his or her game. Keep a clear sense of who you are and what you are comfortable with. 10. DON'T REACT, RESPOND Don't allow yourself to fall into making knee-jerk reactions to whatever the bully is saying or doing. This is what they love and you are playing their game. Breathe deeply before giving a slow, considered response. Suddenly, you are no fun any more and they will want to pick on someone else. By combining the above techniques you will be perceived as a different person in the workplace. By changing how you behave, you force the bully to respond to a different person: someone who does not play his or her games. Be selfish enough to put your needs first. It takes courage to change our behaviour - assert ourselves and do things differently. Confidence is the reward. Nurses can also offer great support to bullied colleagues, who often feel helpless and isolated. It is worth asking yourself whether a colleague is being bullied if they have previously been confident, competent and outgoing, then change and become clumsy and less competent, appear anxious, depressed, withdrawn or fearful, and perhaps drink more than usual. Keep in touch, help maintain a support network, encourage them to stay in touch with friends and colleagues, involve them in social activities and, most importantly, boost their self-confidence by offering positive feedback.NT REGISTER any time for a free introductory coaching call with KathleenRuth

Quick Help Links:

Quick Help Links:

1. BECOME SELF-AWARE

HOW BULLIES SELECT THEIR TARGETS

EVENTS THAT MAY TRIGGER BULLYING

REGISTER any time for a free introductory coaching call with KathleenRuth

"It is not enough to be free, we have to know that we are free, and know how to live freely"